Chapter 28: Kindness
Su Zhen's Diary, 1
I met a bear. The bear had two eyes, and its eyes were full of fear.
The bear held a knife and locked me in a room. I kept calling my sister's name in my heart, hoping the terrifying bear would not find her.
Su Zhen's Diary, 2
Today was a day of blazing sun. I had no strength left, and the light beneath my feet was the pattern of a cage's bars.
I was afraid of my own imagination, because in my imagination, my sister had not found happiness.
The bear took off his suit—he too was locked in a cage. The cage that held him was not sunlight. It was blood.
The truth is, I wanted so badly for my sister to find happiness, because I would rather all my pain turn out to be delusion and hallucination.
Su Zhen's Diary, 3
Sister, will you find my diary? Will there ever be someone who loves you the way I do?
Sister, by the time you read this diary, I will already be dead. You must not avenge me—I'm afraid that bear will hurt you.
Sister, the truth is, there was a moment when I wished I could become you, because then I could stay by your side forever.
The diary was stained through with blood. Su Die covered her eyes—not out of fear, but out of despair.
When fear accumulates past a certain point, it turns into despair.
The despair spread through the sealed room, becoming the memory of that night.
Qin Zu had bound the two sisters in an abandoned building. For three days and three nights they were given nothing to eat, lying half-dead on the concrete floor.
Su Die felt the chill of the concrete. So that was the temperature of despair.
Her little sister truly loved Qin Zu—or at least, back then, she had been mistaken in believing her little sister loved Qin Zu.
Her little sister had gone without food for a week, saving up to buy Qin Zu a birthday cake. But Qin Zu threw the cake away and stomped it under his foot.
Qin Zu even announced, deliberately, that he was about to be married. He would torment her little sister forever, repeating this game that made her wish she were dead.
Su Die remembered her little sister bleeding out and dying at her side, and Qin Zu shedding crocodile tears, mourning the dead girl with an abuser's highest form of pleasure.
She picked up a knife and tried to kill Qin Zu, but he pushed her from the fourteenth floor, and from then on she lost her memory.
"Die" means rebirth. Su Die's life renewed itself, iteration by iteration.
She lost her innocence on the night her little sister died.
She swore that if she were ever reborn, even if she had to give herself to the oldest, ugliest man in the world, even if she had to endure every suffering there was, she would have her revenge for her little sister.
Among her little sister's belongings, besides the diary, there was a love letter. Su Die could not make out the handwriting, and could only barely read part of it:
I have fallen for someone. She is the only older sister in this world who has ever been good to me. She is strong, and gentle, like a princess who shines. I am terrified that she will find out I love her.
I am a cowardly Cinderella. My kindness is worthless. I am always being bullied, always trying to please others, always insecure and oversensitive.
Sister, the only brave thing I have ever done in this life is to be hurt by Qin Zu in your place—because I truly, truly love you.
Su Mosheng made up his mind: the promise he had made to Su Die, he would see it through. So he came to F Group to "visit" Qin Zu, now under house arrest.
Qin Zu had long since lost the radiance of a king. He looked at Su Mosheng and said with a cold smile, "You still make me jealous, the way you always have."
Su Mosheng struck at his very heart: "You believed the one you loved was Su Die. In truth, you fell in love with Su Zhen. But you never dared admit it, because you could not face the only kindness buried deep in your own heart. You are used to wrapping yourself in cruelty, because you convinced yourself that only by inflicting pain could you survive in this world. You are afraid someone will take away your most despicable pass. Kindness would destroy you completely."